Thinking of You
by JuvJuvychan
Summary: Luke's made mistakes, but so has Noah. Can they get past blaming each other and reconcile? Or will they ever only see their flaws? If someone is hurt by another can that same person heal them as well? *Based off of current storyline spoilers up to Jan6th*


Story: Thinking of You

Fandom: As the World Turns

Pairing: Noah/Luke/Brian (but just a bit)

Rating: PG-13 (may go up later)

Spoilers: Up to Jan 6th

Authors Note: So I've been lurking around the fandom—that's what I do lurk—and I've noticed something. Ever since the election fiasco fans have been taking sides. Especially with the recent developments, Luke is either an insolent brat or Noah is an insensitive prick. But you see I like the bratty prickness the boys have. Their flaws make them more interesting characters. So while watching 'Chicago' last night this plot bunny starting hopping around my head. I really hope to show both boys arguments as best as I can. Hopefully not being to bias in the process, though the first chapter is very Luke oriented. Also this is my first time posting, and I don't have a BETA so apologizes for all mistakes most likely made. Thank you for reading. Also I recommend listening to Good Charlotte's 'Say Anything' as it sums up the chapter pretty well.

_**DISCLAIMER: ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TO THE OWNERS OF ATWTs WHO EVER THEY MAY BE. FORMALLY KNOWN TO NUKE FANS AS THE-POWERS-THAT-WON'T-LET-LUKE-&-NOAH-HAVE-SEX...BUT THEN AGAIN THAT COULD JUST BE ME. ANY WAY WE DON'T OWN ANYTHING. AT ALL. **_

THINKING OF YOU

CHAPTER 1—SAY ANYTHING

_I'm fallen_

_I'm fallen_

_I'm fallen down..._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Luke couldn't get over the deep throbbing pain in his skull as his eyes blinked away sleep. A dull throbbing that was, for once in quite a long while, wasn't caused by any sort of alcohol. No this pain came from the heavy blanket of guilt Luke felt every time he thought of Noah. Gods, Noah.

For weeks he had been walking on the shattered glass of their relationship. Ever since the royal fuck up that was the election. At the beginning Luke stepped on that glass loudly, with the grace of a raging bull. He slid through it on bared feet not caring to glance by at the stricken friends and family members watching his self-destruction. He let his body bleed out if only it meant some of the guilt would ebb away. If for only a moment he could forget how amazingly he, Luke Snyder, screwed everything single thing up. Until that moment when reality decided to come back into play with the sharp stabbing located from inside him. The pain laced with awareness he had forced himself to ignore since Noah left him.

Even with reality back in crystal clear vision Luke still didn't get the reaction he thought he would out of Noah. No open arms or welcoming embraces. Though Noah promised him friendship it wasn't what Luke wanted. Not from Noah. Never from Noah. Luke wanted more. He always had. Curling up underneath his linen sheets Luke wondered if it was that reason he was in his current situation. Labeled a cheating whore by the one he loved the most. Luke sighed heavily.

Perhaps Noah had never said the words, but Luke could see them, feel them right down to his bones. It could have been his imagination; he had drunk a lot after all. Or maybe, maybe it was Luke's own conscience telling him these things. Calling him a lying, cheating whore. For Luke couldn't find it in him to disagree. Even with Brian leaving, that night was a constant thought swirling about his mind. When Noah asked him _'why Luke why?'_ Luke asked himself that over and over after Noah left. Just seeing Noah with Maddie, looking so happy, so in sync, even despite what Noah had said he couldn't help getting jealous.

Ever time he saw them together he thought back. Back to the time Noah rejected him time and time again. He remembered watching them together at Old Town, and in Java, how all the little things he wanted with Noah Maddie seemed to have. Even if Noah was in love with him, it didn't change the fact that Maddie was more compatible with Noah. They had more in common with each other than Luke ever did with Noah. Furthermore Noah had wanted Maddie, even if it was just for a moment. While Luke spent months frustrated feeling like little more than a glorified roommate. So why was it any wonder Luke had gotten jealous?

For in Luke's mind Maddie slowly transformed into Ameera. Beautiful, shy, sweet, Ameera. Even she had a connection with Noah Luke didn't. Luke knew that no matter what Noah said a part of him would always love, and admire his father. Ameera knew every part of his father that had been good. While Luke represented every ugly aspect of the man. From the first gunshot to that last jump into the water. Ameera could have given Noah what he was always supposed to have. The possibility of a typical American family. A beautiful wife, a 9 to 5 job, a couple of bubbling kids, the whole nine yards. That was what Noah was brought up to believe his life was supposed to be like. At the time Luke didn't know how he was supposed to fight that. Especially when Noah defended her every move, protected her, said _'She my wife Luke._' so passionately Luke almost believed it. Was it any wonder Luke was insecure when it came to Noah? He loved him so much. So why, why?

_'Do. Not. Touch. Me!'_

Luke curled up in a ball, pulled the covers tightly over his head, and prayed that if he ignored things for long enough, they would all go away. Just like he always did.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Luke found himself wandering aimlessly through Oakdale. Disappointed by whatever force brought him right back to Old Town. Right back where he smashed whatever chances Noah and him had into pixilated pieces. God what he wouldn't do for a drink.

"Luke?" His back straightened as tension shot up his spine.

Turning around Luke greeted Brian with some leftover caution. "Hey Brian, I—I didn't think I'd see you…you know, here." Luke finished lamely. He wasn't paying the bench of doom (as he had began to dub it) any attention. None. At all.

Brian smiled at him with an almost rueful look in his eye. "Come Luke I thought we were passed all this, he waved his hands around, awkwardness." Brian scratched the back of his head glancing away from Lukes' stare. He wasn't dressed in his usual attire Luke noticed. Instead of his clean pressed suit Brian wore a simple black cashmere sweater and blue jeans. The new wardroom suited him, Luke thought, giving him a more youthful appearance. Luke had meant what he said to his mother. Brian wasn't really a bad person, just confused. A bit messed up. But then again, who wasn't in Oakdale? Maybe that's why he fit in so well with his family.

"What are you doing here?" Luke asked breaking the creeping silence.

"There are a few things I wanted to do before…well before I take my leave." Luke felt a twinge of pity for the man. He knew Brian really, honestly, loved his grandmother. But he hadn't _loved _her. How could he when he wasn't attracted to her? Luke stifled a giggle.

"I didn't know my leaving would cause you such amusement Luke, but I suppose I should have expected it." Luke shook his head laughing freely now. Sitting down on the bench of doom (it had a nice ring to it) Luke continued laughing loudly.

"S'not you. Luke looked up to where Brian still stood over him. Don't you think it's funny? Here my grandmother and me both found people we loved, but neither wanted to have sex with us. Maybe it's the Snyder gene. Luke's laughter died down slowly… "Maybe we're just destined not to find love." …Subtly. "Or maybe I'm just not _worth_ it." Into choked sobs. Unconsciously Luke clutched his watch tightly desperately searching for something to keep him grounded.

Luke felt arms wrap around him. Turning Luke flung himself into blind comfort. The arms felt wrong. To thick, short, and cold. Not like the strong, long, warm arms he longed for. The chest felt wrong. To big, board, and soft. Not like the slim, hard muscles he wanted. The body felt wrong. It didn't fit right, it didn't mold to Luke's so perfectly it stole his breath. The body felt wrong because it didn't belong to _Noah_. It belonged to _Brian_. But Noah wasn't here and it was all Lukes' fault he knew that. He _knew _that. Still his body and mind ached for some kind of comfort. Someone to show him he as still wanted, still needed, still worth something.

The light sound of a shocked gasp thrust Luke back into reality. Peering over Brian's shoulder he spotted Noah clad in his Java uniform, fist tight, face pinched, and a look of complete betrayal.

* * *

And that's where I end it kiddies. I'm working on the next chapter, although slower than should be. But I have a bunch of other stories in the works right now. And without my beloved annoying twin to pester (read: help) me to get them done it may take awhile. Thanks everyone for reading.


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